My Perfect Imperfection
by Hidge
Summary: Post 9x24 - "Perfect Storm". Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together. Please R&R!


**A/N: A lot of people are doing post-9x24 interpretations so I thought that I would throw my hat in the ring. Enjoy! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's.**

* * *

Sometimes he thinks that it was all a dream, or an apparition, or a hallucination. But then he remembers her vulnerability, and her fear, and her trembling voice uttering the words that he had been longing to hear for months.

"_I want you, Jackson."_

And then he passes her somewhere in the hospital, with her head down, avoiding him and acting like they hadn't even been friends and he knows that it had been very real. She had indeed stood at the foot of his hospital bed and said those unbelievable words. He had said the only thing that he could think of, he had reminded her that she had accepted another's man proposal hours ago, but her response to that had rocked him to the very core.

"_Unless you can give me a reason not to."_

And he hadn't. He hadn't been able to say a word. She had broken him and he had put himself back together with the help of a lot of denial, a fun intern, and a new role at the hospital. He hadn't been willing to put himself out there again, to give her his heart and hope that she didn't break it. He had his stupid male pride. He was also afraid that she didn't love him the way that he loved her. Her feelings for him were so mixed up in their friendship, her broken promise to Jesus, and her failing her Boards. She had thought that they had just been friends with benefits, or whatever. They could never have a healthy relationship with all that crap in the way.

And he hadn't said a word because he knew that she would be happy with Matthew. He would give her the perfect wedding, and perfect kids, and the perfect life, and they would live happily ever after. Matthew, the awkward, dorky paramedic, would give her everything that he couldn't.

And he and April would live happy, fulfilled lives without each other.

It had been two months since the storm and April's confession, and he missed her, he longed for her, sometimes it even hurt to look at her, but he hadn't regretted his decision for selfish reasons until today.

This morning, at their board meeting, Callie, who had developed an unlikely friendship with the red-head, had informed them that April had declined a contract renewal from Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. She had passed her oral boards this time around and she was accepting an offer from Case Western Reserve, a hospital that had pulled her offer a year ago.

He tried to tell himself that he needed to keep her here for professional reasons. The hospital needed her. Webber was in recovery and they didn't know if he was ever going to be the same again. Bailey still wasn't back to normal, Meredith was still on maternity leave enjoying motherhood, Yang and Hunt were over, again, and Torres and Robbins could barely sit through a board meeting together. Grey-Sloan Memorial was in shambles and he couldn't afford to lose a great trauma surgeon…that's what he told himself.

But it was more than that.

She was leaving and Jackson regretted not being honest with her when he had had the chance. She barely talked to him now but he knew that he wouldn't be able to bear to walk into the hospital every day and know that she wasn't in the pit, or the OR, or somewhere else in the building. He often found comfort in the simple fact that she had previously occupied the same space as him.

If she left then he would never speak to her again and he would lose the best friend that he had ever had.

…He would also be losing the only woman that he had ever truly been in love with and it would be his fault. Because he had never expressed his true feelings for her. Because he had been a coward.

He walked into the pit and stopped when he spotted her standing at the nurses' station. He had never imagined when he had first met her six years ago that just the sight of her would create this tightening in his chest and clenching in his abdomen. This feeling, like his body was not his own around her, had only gotten worse as time went on. She had irrevocably changed him and she didn't even realize it. She had always been so caught up in how much he had changed her, for better and for worse, that she had never realized that she had done the same exact thing to him.

He took a deep breath before he tentatively approached her. The electronic pad in front of her had her undivided attention but he spoke anyway.

"So Torres told me that you're declining your contract, it's a good contract."

"I know it is," she muttered as she refused to look up at him.

"Do you want more money?" He questioned softly. "We can probably negotiate a higher salary."

She finally met his gaze and her eyes were colder than he had ever seen them. "It's not about the money. I have nothing tying me to Seattle anymore so I've decided to go home."

He huffed in frustration. "Don't do that." April Kepner wasn't the outsider that she used to be. She was just as much a part of this hospital's family as anybody else. "Hunt is fighting for you to stay. Torres wants you to stay. So does Shepherd. Meredith, Cristina and Karev all want you to stay. _I _want you to stay," he added after a moment.

She tilted her head and blinked back tears. "I can barely stand to be in the same room as you, Jackson."

He winced and felt the breath rush out of his lungs. "April, I know that our relationship—"

She interrupted him with a humorless laugh. "What _relationship_? Whatever we had could barely be classified as a relationship! I didn't mean anything to you, and I'm humiliated and embarrassed, and miserable here! I can't wait to leave! I've blamed you for a lot of things that weren't your fault, but this time…this time it is your fault! You made me need you, you made me fall in love with you and I hate you for it!" She flipped the pad's lid closed before she stomped off.

He watched her walk away before he looked around the emergency room. A few residents and nurses were pretending that they hadn't witnessed the emotional outburst that had obviously been a long time coming. The tension between him and April had been noticed by everyone since the storm. He caught the eye of Cristina, who was checking out a patient, and she looked at him sympathetically. She had an idea of what he was going through, she was doing the same exact thing with Hunt. But letting someone that you love go for their own good was excruciating.

He debated internally for a moment before he chased after her. If he didn't go after her then he would be fighting the urge to seek her out all day long.

On a lucky hunch, he found her in a nearby supply closet. She was sitting on the floor, hiding behind a shelf, and she was sobbing with her head buried in her hands.

"April," he whispered softly as he sat down in front of her.

"Go away, Jackson, please," she begged.

He scooted closer to her as she kept her face hidden from him. He hated seeing her like this; it broke his heart, especially since he knew that he was the reason behind her tears. He placed a hand on her knee but she moved away and kicked at him in frustration. "April, stop it. Just let me hold you." She fought him with more strength than her stature would indicate as he tried to wrap his arms around her.

He had never seen her like this before and it concerned him.

She finally let her hands fall to her sides and allowed her tears to fully stream down her face. "Just leave me alone, _please_. All that I want to do is move on, like you have."

He hadn't moved on, not at all.

His eyes landed on her left hand and he blurted out, "Where's your ring?" He had just assumed that if she was moving, Matthew would be going with her.

"Matthew dumped me weeks ago," she scoffed as she wiped away her tears. She wasn't surprised that he hadn't noticed her ring-less finger. "It's not like I'm going around telling people. I'm already the laughing stock of the hospital."

"April," he began sternly. "You're not."

"Just go away, Jackson," she sighed.

There used to be a time when he was the only person that she wanted when she was this upset. It seemed like a million years ago now. How had things between them gotten this bad?

After a long moment, he nodded and slowly got to his feet. "Okay, I'll leave you alone."

* * *

Jackson stared into his glass of whiskey as people chattered and laughed around him. He didn't usually drink by himself but he wasn't in the mood for company.

He felt someone's presence beside him and turned to find a rather concerned looking Karev.

"Hey man, are you okay?" He asked quietly. "I heard about Kepner."

"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied.

It was clear that his friend didn't believe him but he remained silent and simply took a seat on the stool beside him. He ordered a beer and dove into the basket of peanuts.

"Shouldn't you be with Wilson?" Jackson inquired. He was glad that Karev was so happy in his new relationship but he couldn't help but feel a little bitter as well.

"She's working," he answered simply. "So is Edwards."

"You know that I'm not seeing her anymore," Jackson replied in annoyance.

That relationship hadn't ended well either. She wanted more than just sex and fun, and he had known that for a very long time. He had just decided to ignore it like the asshole that he was. But when she had finally confronted him about it, he had been unable to ignore it any longer. She wanted more, and he didn't. It was as simple as that, and he may be able to lie to himself about how he felt about a certain red-head, but he couldn't lie to himself about how he felt about Stephanie. His response, or lack thereof, had been the straw that broke the camel's back and she had ditched him without hesitation.

He had never meant to hurt her but he was glad that it was over.

"I know that," Karev grumbled, "which is why I don't understand why you're still doing whatever the hell you're doing with Kepner. Get back together already."

Jackson looked at him and arched his eyebrow. "So what you're a relationship expert now?" He asked sarcastically.

"Far from it, but at least I'm honest with myself." He took a sip from his beer as he mulled over his next words. "I fought my feelings for Jo but some things you can only fight for so long. It's not worth it, and it feels like you and Kepner have been fighting forever. It's freakin' annoying."

Jackson rolled his eyes. Sometimes Karev's bluntness was not appreciated. "It's complicated, man."

"It always is," Karev chirped.

Jackson finished his drink and ordered another. "She thinks that she never meant anything to me," he confessed. "Like she was just some fling or something." He couldn't seem to stop thinking about that. She really had no idea how he felt about her.

"Be honest, dude," Karev replied wisely. "Trust me, it's worth it."

* * *

April sat on her couch with a bowl of ice cream while she watched romantic comedies. She was procrastinating packing. She was also wallowing, but she didn't care. The most amazing guy in the world had ended their engagement and she was alone again. Alone with ice cream, Hugh Grant, and her devirginized, newly Board certified self.

Her doorbell rang and she hoped that it was Matthew, but she knew deep down that it wasn't him. He wasn't an idiot and he had seen the way that she had reacted when that bus had exploded, and the way that she had wanted to kill Jackson herself for doing something so dangerous. He had broken up with her and asked for his ring back. He had told her that he loved her but he knew that she didn't love him, at least not the way that she loved someone else. There was a difference between loving and being in love.

Ultimately, she blamed herself. She had found the perfect guy. A guy that believed in the same things that she did. A sweet, cheesy, adorable guy. She had figured that Jesus had finally forgiven her because he had sent her Matthew. Somebody had finally loved her and she had gone and stupidly confessed her feelings for another man. She didn't deserve Matthew; he was way too good for her.

She didn't deserve Jackson either. She had treated him so poorly, and had hurt him without knowing it so many times. And her word choice had been absolutely horrible! She hadn't meant to give him an ultimatum. It was no wonder that he didn't return her feelings.

Everything was horrible and she couldn't wait to leave Grey-Sloan Memorial and move to Cleveland. She could start fresh; nobody would know her as crazy April Kepner there. She could be a completely different person in Cleveland. It was an exciting prospect.

She laid her bowl and spoon down on the coffee table before she slowly got up off of her sofa and walked towards her front door.

She opened the door and sighed as she saw who was visiting her at such a late hour. His presence would have once brought her happiness but now all she felt was exasperation, and a hint of resentment.

"Jackson? What are you doing here?"

His eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly as he firmly placed his hand on her door. "We need to have a conversation."

After a couple of hours, Alex Karev had gotten through to him and he desperately needed to see her.

"Can it wait until tomorrow? I'm really tired and I—" She abruptly stopped talking when he forcefully pushed himself inside of her apartment and slammed the door shut behind him. "Excuse me? What do you think you're doing?" She asked incredulously.

He knew that all of his anger and frustration was finally coming to the surface, and he would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that the red-head standing in front of him was the root of all of his problems. And he was taking Karev's advice; he was done lying to himself.

"I know that I've always been your punching bag and that I deserved a lot of what you said today but I can't do this with you anymore. I'm really sorry that I hurt you, I hate that I made you feel that way. I'm sorry that Matthew broke up with you. I really thought that you guys would be happy together." She just stared at him and her lack of response made him even angrier. "Just don't ever say that you never meant anything to me," he said through gritted teeth.

April crossed her arms over her chest and awkwardly shuffled her feet. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to say. She didn't know what he wanted her to say. He knew where she stood so why was he here?

His voice softened when he spoke again. "You're not easy to be with. You're neurotic and insecure, and you carry around this ridiculous amount of guilt. You don't even realize how self-centered you are sometimes—"

"I'm self-centered?" She scoffed. "You're so egotistical its maddening, and you're so closed off, and you talk all the time about how you don't like using your looks to get ahead, yet as soon as you realize that you want something the first thing that you do is bat your eyelashes!" He had riled her up now and she knew that she could go on like this for hours. They had never fought like this before but something about it was freeing. "And don't even get me started on you and that intern!"

She opened her mouth to begin to tell him exactly what she thought of his so called relationship, but before she could even process what had happened, he had pushed her against the nearest wall and devoured her mouth. She gasped as he slipped his tongue into her mouth and pressed his thigh in between hers. She could taste the alcohol on him but he didn't seem drunk. He seemed focused and determined, and clearheaded.

He ended the kiss but didn't pull away from her. Their mouths were still essentially touching and he rested his forehead against hers as he moved his hands upward from her hips to cradle her face. He wasn't sure what had possessed him to do that but something about seeing her like that had always turned him on.

"I…um, I wasn't finished," she stuttered breathlessly. Even though she had no idea what else she had been about to say. Her brain always got incredibly foggy when they were this close.

"Neither was I," he replied. "I was also going to say that you're crazy and you drive me fucking nuts, but I can't stop thinking about you."

Her hands rested on his waist as she sarcastically bit out, "If you're trying to tell me that you care about me then this is definitely the most romantic way to do it."

He couldn't help but let a grin take over his face. He always liked it when she got feisty. He placed a kiss on the corner of her mouth before he spoke, and his voice had gotten quite husky. "I'm not trying to be romantic; I'm trying to be honest, isn't that better?" He was never going to give her anything close to a flashmob proposal but he could give her this. And he wasn't like that guy, he hadn't known that he was going to love her from the first moment that he had laid eyes on her, but he knew now, and that's all that mattered.

She slipped her hands up his back and wound them around his shoulders. "And what exactly are you trying to say to me?" She would give him everything if he said what she needed to hear, she just needed to hear it. She needed some indication that this…what they had…was something more for him. That he felt the same way that she did. "I told you that I wanted you and you didn't say anything…not a word…"

He groaned as he brushed his nose against hers. "I know, I'm sorry. I thought that I was doing the right thing. The noble thing…and I was scared," he admitted.

"So was I," she retorted as her breath hitched.

"But I can't do this anymore," he continued. "I can't let that hold me back. I can't keep pretending that I'm not in love with you. I want you too," he growled.

And of course, she still wanted him. She wanted him more than she had ever wanted anything. She kissed him hungrily as she pulled his body even closer to hers.

"I missed you," she told him sincerely as she hastily removed his jacket and pulled his t-shirt over his head.

"I missed you too," he groaned while trailing kisses down her neck.

Since the pregnancy scare he had tried his hardest to lock away things about her, like the way that she smelled, the way that she held his face and clutched at his neck and shoulders when she kissed him, and especially the sexy gasp that she released when he pushed into her. But he didn't have to do that anymore because she was in his arms and they had finally said the right things to each other.

They hadn't been together in so long that their movements were eager and frantic. He carried her into the living room and gracelessly fell onto the sofa. He unbuttoned her jeans and she squirmed out of them while he whipped her tank top over her head. He dragged his mouth over her cleavage but it seemed that she was too impatient to participate in any more foreplay. She unbuckled his belt and worked furiously until she had his jeans and boxers down to his knees.

She pulled him close and he pushed her panties to the side before he thrust inside of her. She gasped into his ear and he gritted his teeth to stop himself from finishing what they had just started. He had almost forgotten how tight she was. He pressed his face against her neck and groaned her name.

"Jackson," she responded in kind as she moved her hips against his.

It had been so long for her and she had been feeling so tense and emotional lately that she wasn't surprised that she was reaching her peak very quickly. She had repressed so much about this…how good the weight of his body felt on top of her, his hot, ragged breath against her skin, the feel of his palm grasping her hip. Mostly, she had repressed how good he made her feel. But she didn't want to do that anymore.

She dug her short nails into his back as she moaned loudly. He grabbed onto the arm rest for leverage as he pushed even deeper inside of her. He kissed her sloppily as she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist.

"I love you," he muttered between kisses.

She smiled happily at the sincerity behind his words. "I love you too…so so much."

Those words were the breaking point for each of them. April tossed her head back as she called out his name while Jackson bit down on her collarbone as he finished inside of her.

They stayed like that, wrapped in each other's arms, for an immeasurable period of time. It could have been minutes or hours. April ran her fingers over his scalp as he caught his breath while resting his head on her shoulder.

The afterglow ended and Jackson squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. "That was stupid," he sighed as he pressed a kiss to her neck.

Her eyes widened as her body froze. That was usually her line. They had neglected to use protection so maybe that was what he was referring to. She hoped that he didn't regret being with her.

He pressed a few more kisses on her neck before he raised his head to look at her. "I told myself that I was going to do this differently this time." He gently brushed her hair out of her face as he took a moment to admire how beautiful she was. "I was going to take you out to dinner and light candles, play music. I wanted to really make love to you, not pounce on you like an animal."

April smiled as she gently touched his face. "That's so sweet, but I don't know if I could have waited," she giggled.

"I thought you wanted to wait?" He asked her in confusion.

"Not with you," she replied confidently. "I don't want to wait any longer to be with you."

She had never felt bad when she had been with him. Her guilt and her regret had always come afterwards when she thought about what her church, or her parents, or her friends from Moline would think, or what her sixteen year old self would think of what she was doing. Her guilt and regret had stemmed from shattered dreams and ideals, but it had never been his fault. She had always been taught that having a good relationship with Jesus was about practicing forgiveness, kindness, and love. And that was exactly what she was doing with Jackson. It wasn't wrong, and it had taken a long time for her to see that.

"You sure?" He whispered tentatively.

"Uh huh," she whispered back before she pulled him down for a kiss. "Take me to my bed and make love to me like you want to."

The breathy tone of her voice and the pure sexiness of her words sent him into a frenzy. He kicked off his jeans and boxers before he hoisted her into his arms and carried her to her bedroom. He laid her on the mattress and rid her of her underwear.

"On second thought," he whispered, "can I just hold you for a little while first?"

"Yeah," she breathed with a smile.

He lay down beside her and grabbed the throw blanket from the foot of her bed. He covered them both before she settled against his chest and he ran his hand through her hair. They had never done this before but he had always wanted to, he had always been afraid of what it would mean.

April sighed happily as she ran a finger down his chest. "This is really nice."

"Yeah, it is," he agreed. "I really missed you. And the things I said earlier," he began slowly. "I love your kindness and your optimism, and the way that you never apologize for who you are, and—"

She cut him off by sliding up his body and pressing her mouth against his. "I know," she responded understandingly. "I liked the honesty, and I don't think you're egotistical."

"Yes, you do," he smirked, "and that's perfectly fine."

After a moment she pressed her face against his chest and giggled, "I missed the carnival."

He looked down at her in confusion. "You missed what?"

She glanced up at him and blushed uncontrollably. "Sex, I mean. I missed sex."

"Oh really?" He questioned with a rather smug grin.

She giggled again as she shifted on top of him. "Yeah, I did, _a lot_."

She leaned down to kiss him and he shivered as the ends of her hair brushed his bare skin. He loved that she hadn't had sex with Matthew; it awoke that animalistic, Neanderthal side of him. But he really didn't want any repeats of her speeches from the past. "Are you sure you don't want to wait?" He asked against her mouth. "I'm willing to wait."

"Wait for what?" She asked before kissing him again.

"Wait for you. Wait until we're married," he explained.

"Marriage?" She repeated in astonishment.

"Yeah," he repeated confidently. "It's something that I want…it's something that I want with you." He paused as he tangled both of his hands in her gorgeous hair. "Are you still moving to Cleveland?" He gulped.

She exhaled heavily as she looked at his hopeful, expectant expression. "I guess that we have a lot to talk about," she stated seriously.

"Yeah," he murmured. "We've had a lot to talk about for a long time."

She placed her hand on his face and delicately brushed his cheek bone with her thumb. "Can we talk about it in the morning?"

"Yes," he smiled lovingly. He rolled her beneath him and held his body above hers as he kissed her soundly on the mouth. "We can talk about it in the morning."

* * *

**A****/N: The ending is totally open to interpretation. Please leave a review! :)**

**(This will remain a one shot...I'm serious.)**


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